Goodbye Dissertation

The title says it all really. Oh yeah if anyone actually cares, there’s a new blog entry before this one. I wrote it last week but forgot to publish it, it’s about the weekend before last (aka Mother’s day weekend).

YES, GOODBYE DISSERTATION! (but saying hello to revision >.<)

I handed in my dissertation today but oddly enough, though i say i’m relieved i don’t actually feel the relief. Been talking to a couple of my flatmates and they all kinda feel the same, i think it’s because of the impending exams which are only a month away!

It would have been over sooner as i actually completed my dissertation on tuesday but due to time constraints i couldn’t hand it in. Basically had a 9am revision lecture which finished at 10:30am, and i went back to my room to double check everything then i had to sort out the appendices which took forever to do! But when i got back to my room, my usb actually screwed me over! I put in my usb and my dissertation was not there! Thank god i had put a copy onto my portable hard drive, on my laptop and sent a copy to my own email, otherwise i would actually have cried!

Anyways, I had to include my 11 pages long ethics expedited review checklist in both copies, so i had to go photocopy that. Also had the informed consent and debriefing forms, then all the materials i used during the experiment like the protocol sheet and the randomised conditions list. After all that, i also needed to include a print out of my spss output which was another 13 pages. My dissertation itself was about 50+ pages, and since i needed double copies of everything i had to print out around 170 pages of things in the end, which you can imagine took a lifetime!  After that i had to go and get it bound by the Brunel Press Room, but by the time i was done it was around 1.30pm, and the print room is closed from 1-2pm so i though i might as well have lunch first. So after 2pm i headed over to the print room and surprisingly the wait wasn’t too long, got everything done by 20 past the hour. BUT i couldn’t hand it in just yet, because i was required to hand in a copy on CD as well, so went back to try and sort it out. So i was scanning my appendices to put them onto the CD when Silvan called me to tell me that his copies of the SPSS output were corrupt and needed me to give them to him again. So i quickly went to the office to sort it all out, and to check if my copies were functional ones since i think it would look really dodgy if i handed in a CD with corrupt files – even if i didn’t know they were corrupt. Ended up wasting about an hour and a half in the office just talking about random things and trying to fiddle with the spss output, and by the time i sorted out the copies i needed to burn onto the CD, the office was closing! So i had no choice but to hand it in today.

I nearly missed the deadline today though, 😐 cos i was so tired last night i forgot to set my alarm before falling asleep and woke up at 12:30! Thank goodness the deadline was at 3pm, so i quickly gathered myself together and went to hand it in. I couldn’t believe that of all days i forget to set an alarm for it was today, but at least my body had the sense to wake me up! lol.

Didn’t really feel like doing work after i handed everything in and just had a really lazy afternoon lounging around my room and blasting my music, which was something i hadn’t done in a very long time. It was such a nice feeling, it was so sunny today and the sun was still out around 4pm. I had my window open with the curtains drawn fully back, and just the right amount of breeze and sunshine came through. I lied on my bed feeling so relaxed. It felt like such a rare and precious moment, it’s kinda hard to describe, but basically it felt so good after having been working on my disseration literally 24/7 for the past few months to be able to just relax and do absolutely nothing.

Sandra called me up after i told her i handed my dissertation in and suggested we go for dinner and drinks later on. I just got back not too long ago actually, and i had such a lovely night ^__^. It was the first time that me and Sandra hung out just the two of us, so it was kinda a nice change, so much talking and laughing the whole night. It was nice to get to know her better cos usually it’s hard to really get to know someone when you’re always hanging out in a group, we might be getting to know each other a bit late during the year but better late than never right? Found out that she actually lives really near Kingston, so definitely makes meeting up after uni finishes a lot easier!

But i have to keep reminding myself that it’s not quite over yet, need to start focusing on revising for exams now. Eeek! >.<

♥ Veronica ~x

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Unamused

God i hate Waterstones so much! They’ve just given me so much unnecessary hassle and i usually have no problems with them. I ordered my 3 textbooks last week in anticipation of receiving them this week so that i can start revision in between writing up my dissertation. However, a couple days later i received an email from them that one of the books were not in stock and that there would be a delay in the deliveries until they get new stock from their suppliers, which they said come in frequently. So i waited a few days, infact a week, but nothing. So on Thursday i cancelled the order and bought my books from Amazon instead, but the next day i receive an email from Waterstones telling me that they’ve shipped me the other two books. I was staring at my laptop screen like WTF! I now have 2 orders of the same books! Luckily amazon hadn’t shipped the books yet and i was able to cancel the order, but seriously so much hassle! And i still have to order that book that Waterstones didn’t have, but Waterstones have been really ambiguous as to what’s happening with that one book and i’m not sure if i should go ahead and order from Amazon just yet. But i really need that book. Gah. It’d be so much easier if they actually sold the damn books in store!

It just really hasn’t been my day today. Been having early mornings and late nights all week and usually Fridays are the one day i don’t have anything on and i give myself a lie-in, but that didn’t happen today. I decided to keep on top of things and go into the office to do my work. After sorting out everything and having lunch, i headed to the office at 1:00pm, and was there until around half 7. The problem is i actually managed to do nothing all day. I really don’t understand how i managed to waste those 6 hours. I left the office with 2 articles i printed off for my literature review and feeling really confused after discussing with the guy i work with about our stats and spss output. Things are going nowhere.

It’s like i care but i don’t at the same time. I’ve lost all motivation to try, it’s like i’m a robot, i’m doing the work or at least trying to but nothing is really being processed by my mind. I kinda needed to do the work today because i KNOW i’m not gonna get anything done this weekend. I’m meeting with my friend tomorrow and then it’s mother’s day on sunday and my aunt’s birthday on monday. I think more late nights and early mornings are the only way to go. But i can only go with 4-5 hours of sleep a night for so long before i completely wear myself out. Third year should come with a health warning.

♥ Veronica ~x

Counterproductive

No motivation at all, really need to get this literature review done. Well it’s done but i need to add to it and so i really need to read this essential article that my supervisor suggested to me. This article makes no sense and i’ve spent the past 2 days staring at it, managed to read about 5-6 pages, and really i should be done with it by now. Ugh, i’ve just lost all will to actually try and work on this, it’s dragged on for way too long. Finally got all the stats entered into SPSS today and now just waiting on supervisor so we can run the statistical tests, really cheesed off that she didn’t come in today, just more unnecessary delays. Hopefully will get it done by tomorrow and can get the ball rolling on writing up the results and discussion, and i swear the stats aren’t significant so the whole study was such a waste of time. Kinda a big joke that she wants to get a grant for further research during the summer.

I’m being so counterproductive. Tidied my room about a gazillion times. I’ve convinced myself that i need a clutter-free environment to work in (apparently that includes the stuff inside the drawers), but by the time i’m done tidying i’m too spent from it and hardly get any work done. I hope i get it together soon, but i think it’s just my brain’s way of telling me i need a good rest cos right now it’s like mush and nothing is really getting in. I’m glad i stayed up late last week to finish off the baby videos cos i literally did nothing over the weekend. But ‘Silver’ also didn’t do anything over the weekend, he flew home and watched the Oscars! LOL, so it makes me feel a little better about being unproductive.

Speaking of the Oscars, i’m really bummed that i didn’t get to go home and watch it this weekend. La Pfeiffer looked AMAZING (as always) in a red dress – reminds me of Fabulous Baker Boys. And yes, for argument’s sake, Michelle is my girl crush ok? LOL

Look at the gorgeousness:

During her speech for Jeff’s award

Photobucket

FBB Jack & Susie Re-union ❤

Clearly putting my time to good use here haha, what better way to procrastinate than catch up with the Oscars right? ^__~

♥ Veronica ~x

Crowded

Its 4am, and though i really should be sleeping i’m more awake than ever. There’s just too many thoughts in my mind, to say it’s crowded in there might be an understatement.

I’m sick of crying, I’m tired of trying, yeah I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying. This lyric pretty much sums it up.

I’m just so sick and tired of this never-ending pile of work. Yeah you might be reading this and thinking i’m being over dramatic over work, but it’s really taking its toll on me, both psychologically and physically. The people i work with are stressing me out, they’re just not pulling their weight and i have no choice but to share the data that i’ve worked so hard on! We have still yet to analyse the stats but we haven’t even done all the data yet. We’re still recruiting and testing at this point because my supervisor insists that we fill up each condition with the same amount of babies and thus keeps adding onto the pile of data to be analysed. It’s actually ridiculous that she expects us to keep testing given the time constraint, there is only 19 days until the deadline in which we have to write the results and discussion. Can’t do this unless we finish with the bloody testing phase and finally get some stats out of the data. Plus she needs to see a draft of the final write up before we give it in, and she takes fricking long to hand things back, so when exactly are we meant to fit this in and still have time to edit things before the deadline?! The whole thing then needs to be binded which ideally should be done atleast 1-2 days before the deadline because everyone else will be rushing and panicking to do this on the actual deadline date. So basically we really only have like a week to do everything. That’s really not going to happen.

I’m always so tired now, it’s like i haven’t had a proper rest in months. This term’s timetable is utterly shit, 9am-8pm days just doesn’t quite cut it  and when i’m not in lectures i’m in the damn office calling up mothers, analysing videos or testing babies. My two free days are no longer free and by the time i’m done, which is around 6pm, i’m ready to pass out after having dinner. But this isn’t really something i can afford, after power naps i start doing my lecture notes and reading. Did i mention my crappy exam timetable? 28th and 29th of April, both are morning exams and 3 hours long. This means i only have one month to dedicate my full attention to revision after i hand in my dissertation on the 24th march, there’s hardly time to revise between the two exams. Brunel is really fucking with us this year, first we get shitty timetables where the lecture times move every week, then in the second half of term we have to share our lectures with the 2nd years, and now this exam timetable crap. It’s like they want us to fail!

And finally when i try to sleep, i’m not able to fall asleep. It’s like i’m unable to shut off my mind, it’s constantly thinking about all the things i need to get done or one problem or another.

Also all this work has turned me into a hermit, i haven’t seen any of my friends in a long time. Though usually i’m actually a self-induced hermit, i like the choice not to be. Actually the term self-induced might be incorrect, whilst i like going out and being social, i’m also a rather socially awkward person. I like to be left alone and yet i can’t be alone. Though this may be a psychosis to be discussed on a later date. But i’ve found myself, especially in this past year and a half, questioning my friendships. I think i’ve finally come out of the other end knowing who my true friends are, my list of friends have probably reduced by 75%, this is a fact that i’m beginning to come to terms with, but it hurts nontheless. Plus i find myself questioning the character of my closest friendships. Whilst i’d like to believe that i have good judgement in character, the facts that are staring me in the face tell me that i can not trust this friend. They come across as someone who is trustworthy, but i can no longer bring myself to be as close to this person as i was before, the fact that it involves my family also has an influence on this matter. While i cannot fathom the reasons for their actions or that they would even do such a thing, the evidence is clear. But i can’t even bring myself to confront them about it, to clear it up, give them the benefit of the doubt or otherwise. The factor here is fear, i fear losing this friendship, though i ask myself why would i want to be friends with a person who is so hurtful and disrespectful of my family? I guess i’m still holding onto the hope that they did not do it, i’m clearly kidding myself in this situation, trying to pretend it never happened. But it’s something that lingers and hovers every time i talk to or meet with them. It’s something that restricts me from being myself when i’m with them, and if i can’t be myself when i’m with one of my closest friends – people other than my family who are meant to know me very well – then i’m pretty much screwed aren’t i?

I’m pretty sure i need some counselling, which is a bit ironic given my career choice.

I wish sleep could erase memories, but unfortunately that’s not the case. But at least it lets me forget for a few hours.

♥ Veronica ~x

Stress Stress Stress

My final year dissertation is wearing me down. We literally have no data because we haven’t even looked at the videos and analyzed them yet, but we can’t do this until our supervisor shows us how to sync the two clips together and calculate the looking time. Of the 22 mothers we booked in, around 10 actually bothered to show up and only about 7 or 8 of the baby data is useable. To top it all off the snow just keeps ruining things because the mothers aren’t going to bring their children to the university in the snow. How we’re meant to get 30 babies and analyze the data in time for the draft deadline in less than a month’s time is beyond me.

The girl i’m working with is a passive aggressive person who isn’t pulling her weight, i feel like i’m doing everything and she’s just riding along. When she actually does something she makes a big fuss about it as if she’s done a lot, which in reality she hasn’t. She keeps bringing up that one time where she had to wake up extra early to deliver the reminder letter with the parking permit by hand to the mother that was coming in that day, as if she’s made a massive sacrifice. When in reality she should have picked up the permits the week before and send them off which would have saved her the trip. Oh and the mother didn’t even turn up in the end, presumably the mother had made other plans due to not receiving the letter beforehand. So really the whole purpose of the reminder letter was defeated. Oh and the other day she left early to go to the cinema with her friend, leaving me and the other guy to pick up the slack.

During the snow days i had to trek in the snow to the office to cancel and reschedule the appointments with the mother. It actually took me 3 hours to do one time, and i mean fair enough i’m the only one of us who lives on campus so i didn’t expect the other two to come all the way in, but it would have been nice for her to acknowledge this fact. The guy did acknowledge this and told me that the two of them would go to the 9am clinic to recruit the infants since i was by myself in the office for the past 2 weeks, and i went to the afternoon clinic by myself. The girl then has the audacity to imply that i hadn’t done anything to help and told me “try to get a few names, at least that would help us out”, and kept texting me to collect the parking permits on my way back. I asked why she couldn’t go pick them up so she wouldn’t have to wait for me to send off the letters, she replied that she was calling up the mothers.  I was gone for a total of 3 hours, i’m pretty sure it doesn’t take 3 hours to make 6 phone calls, thank god the guy came through and sorted everything out. I’m actually at my wits’ ends with this girl, i may end up killing her one day.

To top it all off, me and the guy were discussing the dissertation draft that’s due in next month and we concluded that we actually have no idea what our hypothesis is. We’re getting hardly any support from the supervisors, who expect us to just know everything and do everything by ourselves. But we’re helping THEM with THEIR research. I expected a bit more guidance. We’re basically clueless and have no idea what to do about the high drop-out rate of our participants. We also suspect that our supervisor expects us to carry on with the project after our deadlines. But i really don’t see this happening. Seriously good luck to them and whoever they manage to fool into helping out next year. My supervisor has failed to give me feedback on my dissertation proposal that i handed in back in september, so in essence i have no idea if what i’m doing is correct because i have had no feedback on what i’ve assumed the research to be about and the assumed direction of it.

I’m actually well and truly screwed.

On a slightly brighter note, it’s finally been announced when that cancelled seminar has been rescheduled for and the new essay deadline. Though right now its not realistic for me to preoccupy over it any further, i’ll just have to sort it out after i hand in my draft. I should have about 2 weeks to write it after the draft deadline and then another 2 weeks to put together the final dissertation after that.

I need some serious luck on my side if i’m going to get through this year alive.

Actually i need a miracle.

Let’s hope something comes to me in my sleep that will help me figure it all out.

♥ Veronica ~x

Snowed in

It started snowing last night and everyone got what they hoped for this morning – schools were closed. However i did not enjoy being “snowed-in” as technically i was not snowed in.

The plan today was to go to the lab at 12 to test a baby, so i thought i could have a lie-in, but i got a call at 8.30am from my supervisors [who are husband and wife] and told me they were not coming in since they were stuck in the snow and that they would just work from home. The two other people i work with also couldn’t come in because of tranpsort/unsafe conditions to drive in. I’m the only one who lives on campus, its a damn curse! I had to go into the office to sort everything out – call up the mothers booked in for today  and reschedule them then call up more mothers and book them in. I actually spent 3 hours in the office all by myself, it took THAT long to just reschedule things and book mothers in.

I SERIOUSLY REGRET GIVING MY SUPERVISOR MY NUMBER.

Gahh this dissertation is getting really tedious and we have literally no data, well close enough to no data anyways. Time is not on my side, i need 30 babies and my draft is due in for the beginning of next month. Plus i still yet have to start this essay that was orignally due for next week, but due to the snow 2 weeks ago the essay seminar was cancelled and the deadline was pushed back, the replacement lecture is this Friday. I really hope its not cancelled again >.<.

♥ Veronica ~x

One step forward, two steps back

Haii~ Having some major writer’s block at the moment. Can’t seem to focus on doing my essays at all, and when i do try, the attention is only very limited. I’ve done reading about the same parts so many times but from different textbooks and its just so confusing. I thought i made progress with the whole essay writing thing when i finally completed my first consciousness essay, and i felt like i was equipped with the correct tools to tackle the two next essays, but it turns out that’s not even remotely true. It feels like i’ve just regressed and gone backwards, instead of becoming more efficient i’ve become less and less productive. And the worst thing is i have no idea how to fix it.

If only writing the damn essay came as easily as blogging, every word just flowing out effortlessly. I suppose it beats sitting an exam. Actually i think the looming deadlines have hindered me instead of making me work better, even though i used to be so good at working under pressure.

The fact that i know i won’t be getting a break for a long time just makes me want to rebel and stop being productive altogether. I have two essays due in for the last week of term, one due for the 15th and the other on the 18th. 18th being the day i break up for christmas holidays. To make matters worse i only get two weeks off for christmas this year and i have to spend it writing yet another essay that’s due in the first week back. Over christmas i’d also have to work on writing the draft of my dissertation which is due some time in February and then the final dissertation is due in March. When all that is done, it will be time to start revising for exams. It feels like i won’t even have a moment to stop and take a breath!

I’m in desperate need of an escape, for fear of going insane!

♥ Veronica ~x