Crowded

Its 4am, and though i really should be sleeping i’m more awake than ever. There’s just too many thoughts in my mind, to say it’s crowded in there might be an understatement.

I’m sick of crying, I’m tired of trying, yeah I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying. This lyric pretty much sums it up.

I’m just so sick and tired of this never-ending pile of work. Yeah you might be reading this and thinking i’m being over dramatic over work, but it’s really taking its toll on me, both psychologically and physically. The people i work with are stressing me out, they’re just not pulling their weight and i have no choice but to share the data that i’ve worked so hard on! We have still yet to analyse the stats but we haven’t even done all the data yet. We’re still recruiting and testing at this point because my supervisor insists that we fill up each condition with the same amount of babies and thus keeps adding onto the pile of data to be analysed. It’s actually ridiculous that she expects us to keep testing given the time constraint, there is only 19 days until the deadline in which we have to write the results and discussion. Can’t do this unless we finish with the bloody testing phase and finally get some stats out of the data. Plus she needs to see a draft of the final write up before we give it in, and she takes fricking long to hand things back, so when exactly are we meant to fit this in and still have time to edit things before the deadline?! The whole thing then needs to be binded which ideally should be done atleast 1-2 days before the deadline because everyone else will be rushing and panicking to do this on the actual deadline date. So basically we really only have like a week to do everything. That’s really not going to happen.

I’m always so tired now, it’s like i haven’t had a proper rest in months. This term’s timetable is utterly shit, 9am-8pm days just doesn’t quite cut it  and when i’m not in lectures i’m in the damn office calling up mothers, analysing videos or testing babies. My two free days are no longer free and by the time i’m done, which is around 6pm, i’m ready to pass out after having dinner. But this isn’t really something i can afford, after power naps i start doing my lecture notes and reading. Did i mention my crappy exam timetable? 28th and 29th of April, both are morning exams and 3 hours long. This means i only have one month to dedicate my full attention to revision after i hand in my dissertation on the 24th march, there’s hardly time to revise between the two exams. Brunel is really fucking with us this year, first we get shitty timetables where the lecture times move every week, then in the second half of term we have to share our lectures with the 2nd years, and now this exam timetable crap. It’s like they want us to fail!

And finally when i try to sleep, i’m not able to fall asleep. It’s like i’m unable to shut off my mind, it’s constantly thinking about all the things i need to get done or one problem or another.

Also all this work has turned me into a hermit, i haven’t seen any of my friends in a long time. Though usually i’m actually a self-induced hermit, i like the choice not to be. Actually the term self-induced might be incorrect, whilst i like going out and being social, i’m also a rather socially awkward person. I like to be left alone and yet i can’t be alone. Though this may be a psychosis to be discussed on a later date. But i’ve found myself, especially in this past year and a half, questioning my friendships. I think i’ve finally come out of the other end knowing who my true friends are, my list of friends have probably reduced by 75%, this is a fact that i’m beginning to come to terms with, but it hurts nontheless. Plus i find myself questioning the character of my closest friendships. Whilst i’d like to believe that i have good judgement in character, the facts that are staring me in the face tell me that i can not trust this friend. They come across as someone who is trustworthy, but i can no longer bring myself to be as close to this person as i was before, the fact that it involves my family also has an influence on this matter. While i cannot fathom the reasons for their actions or that they would even do such a thing, the evidence is clear. But i can’t even bring myself to confront them about it, to clear it up, give them the benefit of the doubt or otherwise. The factor here is fear, i fear losing this friendship, though i ask myself why would i want to be friends with a person who is so hurtful and disrespectful of my family? I guess i’m still holding onto the hope that they did not do it, i’m clearly kidding myself in this situation, trying to pretend it never happened. But it’s something that lingers and hovers every time i talk to or meet with them. It’s something that restricts me from being myself when i’m with them, and if i can’t be myself when i’m with one of my closest friends – people other than my family who are meant to know me very well – then i’m pretty much screwed aren’t i?

I’m pretty sure i need some counselling, which is a bit ironic given my career choice.

I wish sleep could erase memories, but unfortunately that’s not the case. But at least it lets me forget for a few hours.

♥ Veronica ~x

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