Last lecture E-V-E-R!

Woop woop, had my last lecture ever today! [Well, last lecture for now anyways since i do plan to go for postgrad studies lol xD].

But yeah like i said previously, need to start focusing on revision now D:, i just have to stick it out for another month and it will all be over! Really can’t wait until summer when i can actually go out guilt-free. Went out to a kpop clubbing event on Saturday actually, and it was so good! It was such a good night out and i didn’t regret going one bit. I suppose if i didn’t go out i could have finished my dissertation sooner, but at the moment i was just like “eh, what the heck”. LOL. But to be honest i probably wouldn’t have done much work even if i stayed in that night anyways since i just handed in a second draft by email that day and felt like i physically couldn’t do any more work. I really recommend people try out kpop clubbing, but it may only be good if you enjoy kpop but my indian friend who came with us had a good time too, though my friend makes her listen to kpop sometimes haha, she got so excited when Wedding Dress by Taeyang ♥ started playing.

Anyways had another lazy night/afternoon today, though i kinda planned to start revision it kinda didn’t happen =\. Basically i was gonna take a nap so that i would be refreshed to do revision, but after 3 hours lying in bed i was STILL awake. I blame it on the mocha i had before, but it’s kinda strange cos caffeine usually doesn’t affect me. But anyways, i’ve been feeling groggy all day because i want to sleep but my body wont let me, so basically i’ve kinda achieved nothing work wise. But tomorrow i shall try get an early start on it! I really actually have no choice so *fingers crossed* i get SOMETHING done… =\.

On a different note, i’m getting more and more addicted to 90210! I must admit when the first season started it was good in a tacky-ish way, but now it’s getting a lot better. I’m not too sure about all these random new characters they’re adding in, though i must say that Jasper makes things a lot more interesting. But really not sure about this whole Gia thing (i have nothing against Rumer Willis aka Bruce Willis’ and Demi Moore’s daughter, but she kinda can’t act…), and not too sure about Lila either, but its a nice change to see someone who isn’t stick thin in one of these teen dramas. Heard that Liam and Annie are gonna get together, so just gonna see how that’s gonna play out haha.

I actually watch too many series for my own good, but i’m sure i’ll be able to squeeze in some time for revision =P.

♥ Veronica ~x

Goodbye Dissertation

The title says it all really. Oh yeah if anyone actually cares, there’s a new blog entry before this one. I wrote it last week but forgot to publish it, it’s about the weekend before last (aka Mother’s day weekend).

YES, GOODBYE DISSERTATION! (but saying hello to revision >.<)

I handed in my dissertation today but oddly enough, though i say i’m relieved i don’t actually feel the relief. Been talking to a couple of my flatmates and they all kinda feel the same, i think it’s because of the impending exams which are only a month away!

It would have been over sooner as i actually completed my dissertation on tuesday but due to time constraints i couldn’t hand it in. Basically had a 9am revision lecture which finished at 10:30am, and i went back to my room to double check everything then i had to sort out the appendices which took forever to do! But when i got back to my room, my usb actually screwed me over! I put in my usb and my dissertation was not there! Thank god i had put a copy onto my portable hard drive, on my laptop and sent a copy to my own email, otherwise i would actually have cried!

Anyways, I had to include my 11 pages long ethics expedited review checklist in both copies, so i had to go photocopy that. Also had the informed consent and debriefing forms, then all the materials i used during the experiment like the protocol sheet and the randomised conditions list. After all that, i also needed to include a print out of my spss output which was another 13 pages. My dissertation itself was about 50+ pages, and since i needed double copies of everything i had to print out around 170 pages of things in the end, which you can imagine took a lifetime!  After that i had to go and get it bound by the Brunel Press Room, but by the time i was done it was around 1.30pm, and the print room is closed from 1-2pm so i though i might as well have lunch first. So after 2pm i headed over to the print room and surprisingly the wait wasn’t too long, got everything done by 20 past the hour. BUT i couldn’t hand it in just yet, because i was required to hand in a copy on CD as well, so went back to try and sort it out. So i was scanning my appendices to put them onto the CD when Silvan called me to tell me that his copies of the SPSS output were corrupt and needed me to give them to him again. So i quickly went to the office to sort it all out, and to check if my copies were functional ones since i think it would look really dodgy if i handed in a CD with corrupt files – even if i didn’t know they were corrupt. Ended up wasting about an hour and a half in the office just talking about random things and trying to fiddle with the spss output, and by the time i sorted out the copies i needed to burn onto the CD, the office was closing! So i had no choice but to hand it in today.

I nearly missed the deadline today though, 😐 cos i was so tired last night i forgot to set my alarm before falling asleep and woke up at 12:30! Thank goodness the deadline was at 3pm, so i quickly gathered myself together and went to hand it in. I couldn’t believe that of all days i forget to set an alarm for it was today, but at least my body had the sense to wake me up! lol.

Didn’t really feel like doing work after i handed everything in and just had a really lazy afternoon lounging around my room and blasting my music, which was something i hadn’t done in a very long time. It was such a nice feeling, it was so sunny today and the sun was still out around 4pm. I had my window open with the curtains drawn fully back, and just the right amount of breeze and sunshine came through. I lied on my bed feeling so relaxed. It felt like such a rare and precious moment, it’s kinda hard to describe, but basically it felt so good after having been working on my disseration literally 24/7 for the past few months to be able to just relax and do absolutely nothing.

Sandra called me up after i told her i handed my dissertation in and suggested we go for dinner and drinks later on. I just got back not too long ago actually, and i had such a lovely night ^__^. It was the first time that me and Sandra hung out just the two of us, so it was kinda a nice change, so much talking and laughing the whole night. It was nice to get to know her better cos usually it’s hard to really get to know someone when you’re always hanging out in a group, we might be getting to know each other a bit late during the year but better late than never right? Found out that she actually lives really near Kingston, so definitely makes meeting up after uni finishes a lot easier!

But i have to keep reminding myself that it’s not quite over yet, need to start focusing on revising for exams now. Eeek! >.<

♥ Veronica ~x

A Weekend in Wonderland

So this post is actually a few days late but i finally went to see Alice In Wonderland on Saturday. I don’t really know what to make of it, i think in my mind i hyped it up a bit too much, but it’s not like i was disappointed by it – just surprised. I can’t help but think that Disney had a major influence on the outcome of the film, if it wasn’t made under the Disney name i think maybe the reactions to the film would have been even better.

The Hatter/Alice relationship that was hinted felt a little weird to me, though i’m also fascinated by the possibility of it and apparently in the original script they were to share two kisses. Anne Hathaway’s hands were kinda distracting, my friend turned to me and said “She’s so ditzy” and maybe that’s the way the White Queen was meant to be portrayed, a stereotype of all that’s “good” (as in the whole hands-in-the-air-gliding-along-instead-of walking sorta thing.) Though i also felt it had a darker undertone that represented how the White Queen was unwilling to get her hands dirty – and i actually sensed that she wasn’t as “good” as she appeared.

Other than that, i thought Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat was marvelous! And enjoyed Alan Rickman aka SEVERUS as the blue caterpillar! Though i’m kinda surprised that the blue caterpillar didn’t have a bigger role. Also i think i may go and read Alice Through The Looking Glass when i get the time since the film was a mixture of the two books, i remember i started reading it about a good 6/7 years ago but i never got around to finishing it, it may bring some elements of the film together for me.

Anyways that Saturday was a much needed day off with a good friend of mine, after the film we sat in Starbucks for 2 hours just chatting away about the most random things. I really love how with some friends – even if you haven’t seen each other for a while – the conversation comes so easily. The conversation never goes into awkward dips of silence, everything is just as it was, it’s like you’ve never been apart from one another. On the other hand, there’s some people where no matter how often you may see them or have known them for, the conversation can run dry very quickly. Things are kinda weird like that. But as fun as my day out was, it had to come to an end since we both had a ton of work to do and we left just before 7.

The next day was Mother’s Day so when i got home on Saturday i started to bake a cake for my mum since i didn’t have time to do any shopping because of my dissertation. But i think the cake was probably more thoughtful than anything i could have bought since it would have been a last minute panic buy lol. I did a really good job of hiding the cake and keeping it a surprise, i even skillfully managed to steer away from my mum’s question about what the smell was (i made Devil’s Food Cake, so i think the smell of chocolate and the smell of a cake in general was kinda strong… though i opened all the windows to try and air the house out… clearly that didn’t work lol!). My dad actually got home earlier than i expected and kinda had a mini spaz attack trying to hide the cake since i didn’t want my dad to find out about the cake and spoil the surprise lol. I managed to hide it when he went to take a shower though, and because he came home early i didn’t have the chance to ice it. For some reason my parents seemed to refuse to sleep that night, and i was waiting for them to sleep so that i could ice it lol! My dad finally retreated at 3:30am and i kept asking my mum “Aren’t you tired?”, she finally went upstairs at 4am LOL, so i stayed up til just before 5am trying to put the butter icing on the cake haha. It made a funny anecdote the next day when i gave my mum the cake though.

My dad had Sunday off, so we had a family day on Mother’s Day. Went for lunch in New Malden and had sushi, then later that night we went out for Thai at Kingston Hill. Sunday rolled by rather quickly, and on Monday i was also out all day. My aunt had a day off and came down to visit us, ended up going Yum Cha with my other aunt (so it was me, my mum and her 2 sisters), then we shopped around a bit in Kingston and later ended up going for dinner in the Halfway (near Hersham/Walton) at a Spanish restaurant.

During the weekend i felt like i was in a bit of a wonderland myself, i was able to forget about all my work momentarily. It’s been ages since i’ve actually gone out and done anything, the dissertation kinda turned me into a hermit. I did do a bit of work over the weekend, but not a lot. And though i did feel guilty about not doing much work, i also felt like i deserved some time off and even though i undoubtedly regretted enjoying my weekend so much in the days to follow, i still think it was worth it.

♥ Veronica ~x

Unamused

God i hate Waterstones so much! They’ve just given me so much unnecessary hassle and i usually have no problems with them. I ordered my 3 textbooks last week in anticipation of receiving them this week so that i can start revision in between writing up my dissertation. However, a couple days later i received an email from them that one of the books were not in stock and that there would be a delay in the deliveries until they get new stock from their suppliers, which they said come in frequently. So i waited a few days, infact a week, but nothing. So on Thursday i cancelled the order and bought my books from Amazon instead, but the next day i receive an email from Waterstones telling me that they’ve shipped me the other two books. I was staring at my laptop screen like WTF! I now have 2 orders of the same books! Luckily amazon hadn’t shipped the books yet and i was able to cancel the order, but seriously so much hassle! And i still have to order that book that Waterstones didn’t have, but Waterstones have been really ambiguous as to what’s happening with that one book and i’m not sure if i should go ahead and order from Amazon just yet. But i really need that book. Gah. It’d be so much easier if they actually sold the damn books in store!

It just really hasn’t been my day today. Been having early mornings and late nights all week and usually Fridays are the one day i don’t have anything on and i give myself a lie-in, but that didn’t happen today. I decided to keep on top of things and go into the office to do my work. After sorting out everything and having lunch, i headed to the office at 1:00pm, and was there until around half 7. The problem is i actually managed to do nothing all day. I really don’t understand how i managed to waste those 6 hours. I left the office with 2 articles i printed off for my literature review and feeling really confused after discussing with the guy i work with about our stats and spss output. Things are going nowhere.

It’s like i care but i don’t at the same time. I’ve lost all motivation to try, it’s like i’m a robot, i’m doing the work or at least trying to but nothing is really being processed by my mind. I kinda needed to do the work today because i KNOW i’m not gonna get anything done this weekend. I’m meeting with my friend tomorrow and then it’s mother’s day on sunday and my aunt’s birthday on monday. I think more late nights and early mornings are the only way to go. But i can only go with 4-5 hours of sleep a night for so long before i completely wear myself out. Third year should come with a health warning.

♥ Veronica ~x

Counterproductive

No motivation at all, really need to get this literature review done. Well it’s done but i need to add to it and so i really need to read this essential article that my supervisor suggested to me. This article makes no sense and i’ve spent the past 2 days staring at it, managed to read about 5-6 pages, and really i should be done with it by now. Ugh, i’ve just lost all will to actually try and work on this, it’s dragged on for way too long. Finally got all the stats entered into SPSS today and now just waiting on supervisor so we can run the statistical tests, really cheesed off that she didn’t come in today, just more unnecessary delays. Hopefully will get it done by tomorrow and can get the ball rolling on writing up the results and discussion, and i swear the stats aren’t significant so the whole study was such a waste of time. Kinda a big joke that she wants to get a grant for further research during the summer.

I’m being so counterproductive. Tidied my room about a gazillion times. I’ve convinced myself that i need a clutter-free environment to work in (apparently that includes the stuff inside the drawers), but by the time i’m done tidying i’m too spent from it and hardly get any work done. I hope i get it together soon, but i think it’s just my brain’s way of telling me i need a good rest cos right now it’s like mush and nothing is really getting in. I’m glad i stayed up late last week to finish off the baby videos cos i literally did nothing over the weekend. But ‘Silver’ also didn’t do anything over the weekend, he flew home and watched the Oscars! LOL, so it makes me feel a little better about being unproductive.

Speaking of the Oscars, i’m really bummed that i didn’t get to go home and watch it this weekend. La Pfeiffer looked AMAZING (as always) in a red dress – reminds me of Fabulous Baker Boys. And yes, for argument’s sake, Michelle is my girl crush ok? LOL

Look at the gorgeousness:

During her speech for Jeff’s award

Photobucket

FBB Jack & Susie Re-union ❤

Clearly putting my time to good use here haha, what better way to procrastinate than catch up with the Oscars right? ^__~

♥ Veronica ~x

What killed the cat?

No it was not curiosity that killed the cat, but the consequences of the curiosity which gave the cat a slow and painful death. And no you are wrong to say that death was the consequence of it’s curiosity.

Recently the things i find out are simply things i don’t want to know. I’d simply be better off not knowing. I have enough [irrational] fears as it is and i really don’t need to pile on any other added stress, i think the stress of the possibility of failing final year is really enough, though i don’t think the fear of failure has quite struck me fully yet. And on second thought, very little of the information i found out is actually due to curiosity on my part but nonetheless the consequences have evoked unwanted feelings.

Recently I found out something about the reason behind a group of people’s actions through a mutual friend, and to be honest it was worse than what my mind had conjured up. At the very least the scenarios in my mind were clear-cut and made it easier to dislike them. The actual reason actually isn’t as bad as those that i made up in my mind, but  it’s worse than my imagination in the sense that it leaves everything very ambiguous. It leaves everything out in the open and a giant question mark floating above it all. It also makes the group seem so fickle, which really annoys me and also makes them look even more superficial than i previously thought.

I also found out that someone knows that i know about something, or more like i now know that they know that i know, though i have always suspected that they knew haha. This was just confirmed, and with an indirect (as it was done through a mutual friend) confrontation. It’s kinda awkward but not. I don’t know, its just made things weird – for me. But then again i didn’t find out about things the way that this person suspects i did, the way i found out for myself just confirmed things. People should never underestimate the power of the word of mouth.

Also my friend told me that their sibling knows about me even though my friend has never talked to their sibling about me, and the reason is because their sibling is friends with people who i sort-of know, which sorta creeps me out a bit since i don’t really know these people that well, so what the heck could they be saying about me? Yeah i think the irrational fear barometer just went shooting off the charts.

Yes everything in this post is rather cryptic. But if i gave you the link to my blog, chances are, i’ve probably already told you about the above situations so all you have to do is search your mind. If you have no clue as to what i’m talking about, it obviously means i didn’t choose to confide in you about it and that you could just be stalking my blog lol. On the other hand if you’re not just some randomer who has stumbled on here and you’re wondering why the heck you know nothing about this stuff, i obviously have my reasons for not telling you. You can choose to take offense if you wish to do so, but trust is to be earned and it takes a lot to earn my trust and for me to open up, or maybe i simply thought you couldn’t give me any advice on the situation this time round (and let’s be honest some of you aren’t so good at the advice part as you are at the seeking advice part lol).

♥ Veronica ~x

Crowded

Its 4am, and though i really should be sleeping i’m more awake than ever. There’s just too many thoughts in my mind, to say it’s crowded in there might be an understatement.

I’m sick of crying, I’m tired of trying, yeah I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying. This lyric pretty much sums it up.

I’m just so sick and tired of this never-ending pile of work. Yeah you might be reading this and thinking i’m being over dramatic over work, but it’s really taking its toll on me, both psychologically and physically. The people i work with are stressing me out, they’re just not pulling their weight and i have no choice but to share the data that i’ve worked so hard on! We have still yet to analyse the stats but we haven’t even done all the data yet. We’re still recruiting and testing at this point because my supervisor insists that we fill up each condition with the same amount of babies and thus keeps adding onto the pile of data to be analysed. It’s actually ridiculous that she expects us to keep testing given the time constraint, there is only 19 days until the deadline in which we have to write the results and discussion. Can’t do this unless we finish with the bloody testing phase and finally get some stats out of the data. Plus she needs to see a draft of the final write up before we give it in, and she takes fricking long to hand things back, so when exactly are we meant to fit this in and still have time to edit things before the deadline?! The whole thing then needs to be binded which ideally should be done atleast 1-2 days before the deadline because everyone else will be rushing and panicking to do this on the actual deadline date. So basically we really only have like a week to do everything. That’s really not going to happen.

I’m always so tired now, it’s like i haven’t had a proper rest in months. This term’s timetable is utterly shit, 9am-8pm days just doesn’t quite cut it  and when i’m not in lectures i’m in the damn office calling up mothers, analysing videos or testing babies. My two free days are no longer free and by the time i’m done, which is around 6pm, i’m ready to pass out after having dinner. But this isn’t really something i can afford, after power naps i start doing my lecture notes and reading. Did i mention my crappy exam timetable? 28th and 29th of April, both are morning exams and 3 hours long. This means i only have one month to dedicate my full attention to revision after i hand in my dissertation on the 24th march, there’s hardly time to revise between the two exams. Brunel is really fucking with us this year, first we get shitty timetables where the lecture times move every week, then in the second half of term we have to share our lectures with the 2nd years, and now this exam timetable crap. It’s like they want us to fail!

And finally when i try to sleep, i’m not able to fall asleep. It’s like i’m unable to shut off my mind, it’s constantly thinking about all the things i need to get done or one problem or another.

Also all this work has turned me into a hermit, i haven’t seen any of my friends in a long time. Though usually i’m actually a self-induced hermit, i like the choice not to be. Actually the term self-induced might be incorrect, whilst i like going out and being social, i’m also a rather socially awkward person. I like to be left alone and yet i can’t be alone. Though this may be a psychosis to be discussed on a later date. But i’ve found myself, especially in this past year and a half, questioning my friendships. I think i’ve finally come out of the other end knowing who my true friends are, my list of friends have probably reduced by 75%, this is a fact that i’m beginning to come to terms with, but it hurts nontheless. Plus i find myself questioning the character of my closest friendships. Whilst i’d like to believe that i have good judgement in character, the facts that are staring me in the face tell me that i can not trust this friend. They come across as someone who is trustworthy, but i can no longer bring myself to be as close to this person as i was before, the fact that it involves my family also has an influence on this matter. While i cannot fathom the reasons for their actions or that they would even do such a thing, the evidence is clear. But i can’t even bring myself to confront them about it, to clear it up, give them the benefit of the doubt or otherwise. The factor here is fear, i fear losing this friendship, though i ask myself why would i want to be friends with a person who is so hurtful and disrespectful of my family? I guess i’m still holding onto the hope that they did not do it, i’m clearly kidding myself in this situation, trying to pretend it never happened. But it’s something that lingers and hovers every time i talk to or meet with them. It’s something that restricts me from being myself when i’m with them, and if i can’t be myself when i’m with one of my closest friends – people other than my family who are meant to know me very well – then i’m pretty much screwed aren’t i?

I’m pretty sure i need some counselling, which is a bit ironic given my career choice.

I wish sleep could erase memories, but unfortunately that’s not the case. But at least it lets me forget for a few hours.

♥ Veronica ~x